From: ndr@tazboy.jpl.nasa.gov (Niles D. Ritter)
Followup-To: poster
Reply-To: ndr@tazboy.jpl.nasa.gov
Newsgroups: alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre,alt.fan.firesign-theatre,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: Firesign Theatre: Frequently Asked Questions
Organization: Jet Propulsion Labs
Distribution: world
Keywords: firesign,comedy,faq,bozo
Approved: news-answers-request@MIT.Edu
Summary: This posting contains a list of Frequently Asked
Questions (and their answers) about the Firesign Theatre
comedy group, and should be read by anyone who wishes
to post to the alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre newsgroup.
Archive-name: firesign-theatre/faq
Last-modified: 1994/7/7
Version: 1.15
About This Archive
------------------
This archive is posted monthly to alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre,
alt.fan.firesign-theatre, alt.answers, and news.answers. It is
also available via anonymous ftp to rtfm.mit.edu in the
directory /pub/usenet/alt.answers/firesign-theatre/*, or by
sending e-mail to mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu with the message
"send usenet/alt.answers/firesign-theatre/*". Include the line
"help" in the message for more information on the server.
Changes:
Side 2) Firesign Theatre: Frequently Asked questions
=====================================================
Contents:
2.0) I've just Discovered the F.T! How should I get started?
2.1) How Can I Get Copies of these FAQs?
2.2) How can I contact the NewsGroup with E-mail?
2.3) Who Did Which Roles?
2.4) Any Reunions going on ?
2.5) Where can I get F.T. (Videos, CD's ,etc...)
2.6) Where are they now ?
2.7) Common FT Phrases
2.8) Who is Doctor Memory?
2.9) Is it "Back T0 the Shadows" or "..FROM the Shadows" ?
2.10) FT Questions posed to the Usenet Oracle
2.0) I've just Discovered the F.T! How should I get started?
"Yeah, it sure is strange to read where people would or have started. You
start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. When you learn to
read you learn a-b-c, when you learn to sing you learn Toad Away...."
-- John Scialli
The four classic albums are:
Waiting For the {Electrician} or Somebody Like Him.
How Can You Be in {Two Places} at Once, When You're Not
Anywhere At All?
Dont Crush that {DWARF}, Hand Me the Pliers
I Think We're All {BOZO}'s On This Bus
These albums are high on most bozos lists, and are available on CD;
See the "Intro" file for sources. The four albums have the logical
order listed above, as they all have been conceived as a single
episodic journey of an {EVERYMAN}, whose name changes from album
to album. See the {EVERYMAN} entry in the Lexicon.
Of the above four, the {DWARF} albums seems to have the most universal
appeal, followed closely by {BOZO}s and {TWO PLACES}.
Many people also recommend David Ossman's "How Time Flys", as well as
"Everything You Know is Wrong" and "Eat or Be Eaten". The
"Hemlock Stones" album is good for rapid-fire puns and is well-written.
The "Dear Friends" CD's contain transcripts from their early live
radio work at KPFK, Radio Free Oz (here's where they sing "Toad Away").
[I love the Chinchilla Show on this album, as well as "Freezing Mr.
Foster"]
The "Shoes for Industry" is a 2-CD set containing little snippets from
their most popular albums, but for many these excerpts are all teasers
with none of the depth of listening to the complete albums.
See item 2.5 for commercial sources of Firesign theatre CD's videos,
etc.
2.1) How Can I Get Copies of this FAQ?
There are many paths:
Via UseNet:
Posted monthly to alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre,
alt.fan.firesign-theatre, alt.answers, and news.answers.
If your local news-server does not have a.c.f-t, campaign with
your sysop to get it. If s/he's still reluctant, try using
the NNTP feed at news.fu-berlin.de, (port 119) which supports
the F.T. newsgroup very well.
Via FTP:
As mentioned in the top of this file, you may access the files
via anonymous ftp to rtfm.mit.edu, in the directory
/pub/usenet/alt.answers/firesign-theatre, there are four files
called intro, faq, lyrics and lexicon.
Via E-MAIL:
The host rtfm.mit.edu runs a mail-server for those without
ftp. Send e-mail to mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu, with the message:
send usenet/alt.answers/firesign-theatre/*
For more information on this server also add the line "help".
Via WWW (World-Wide Web): Use the Firesign-Theatre Home Page
at the URL:
http://www.nilesritter.com/webdocs/firesign/firesign.html
Note: There is also hypertext-based UseNet FAQ list at
http://www.cis.ohio-state.edu/hypertext/faq/usenet/FAQ-List.html.
which also has the FT stuff.
2.2) How can I contact the NewsGroup with just E-mail?
POSTING:
--------
There is a general service for posting notes to the UseNet newsgroups. To
post to alt.comedy.firesgn-theatre, for example, send your message to
alt-comedy-firesgn-thtre@cs.utexas.edu
Note that the dots in the newsgroup name have been changed to hyphens!
The "Internet Services List" contains dozens of other nifty things you
can do with just e-mail access, and may be obtained by sending e-mail to
mail-server@rtfm.mit.edu, with the message:
send usenet/news.answers/internet-services/*
READING:
--------
In order to READ other people's postings, you may now use the e-mail
gopher gateway to the UseNet newsgroup: To use it send e-mail to
gopher@calvin.edu with the body of the message reading one of
the following sets of four lines (try the first set first):
Type=1
Path=nntp LS alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre
Port=4323
Host=insosf1.infonet.net
Type=1
Path=nntp LS alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre
Port=8100
Host=gopher.ciril.fr
Type=1
Path=nntp LS alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre
Port=4327
Host=gopher.eunet.cz
Type=1
Path=nntp LS alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre
Port=3778
Host=rain.psg.com
Type=1
Path=news group alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre
Port=4320
Host=saturn.wwc.edu
NOTE: Be sure this is *EXACTLY* what you enter; do not put any spaces
around the "=" sign, and make "Type=1" The first line of your message.
You will receive back an e-mail response with a list of all of the
current postings on alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre. If you then mail this
file back to gopher@calvin.edu it will mail you each of the articles
in a separate posting. If you only want to receive a few of the articles,
put an "X" in the file before the ones that you want, and send the
modified file back. For more information on the e-mail gopher server,
send the message "help" to gopher@calvin.edu.
The server gomail@myc.ncc.go.jp also works as a gopher-mail server
if calvin seems grumpy (not enough chocolate-frosted sugar-bombs,
no doubt :-).
2.3) Who Did Which Roles?
This stuff is excerpted from the BBOP book (more to follow):
LIEUTENANT BRADSHAW'S SECRET IDENTITY ROSTER:
---------------------------------------------
IN DON'T CRUSH THAT DWARF, HAND ME THE PLIERS:
----------------------------------------------
David Ossman Phil Austin Philip Proctor Peter Bergman
------------ ------------- -------------- -------------
George Tirebiter Janitor,Rev.X Pastor Rod Flash Leroy, Arnie
News Announcer Rev. Mouse Felix Papparazzi Bohunk,Newscaster
Kathy Koffee Surrogate Gen'l K'en, Doc, Mom, Bob Baseline,
Peorgie, Lt. Klein, Jerry Yarrow Principal Poop, Warden, Porcelin,
Tirebiter, Mrs. Staff Announcer, Pico,Bottles,Sailor Mudhead, Joe
Arlene Yukamoto, Dad,Alvarado, Bill,Private, Beets, Dr. Math,
Cop, Danny Dollar Hugh, Another Silverberg, Patty, Sgt.
Private, Father, Loudspkr Voice, Mudheadski, Son,
Commercial Sgt. Schvincter, Madge, Commercial
Voice-over, Sarge, Bailiff,Mrs Announcer.
Darlene,Bob Hind, Caroline Presky,
Bob, Major, General Klein,
Announcer 13. Judge Poop, Girl
Announcer.
ALSO: Annalee (Austin) as the Operator.
2.4) Any Reunions going on ?
2.3.1) Upcoming Events
Based on the success of the 93 Reunion Tour another tour is now being
planned for 94! The first appearance will be at Humphry's in
San Diego ((619) 523-1010).
Details are in FAlaFal.
A Reunion Tour came through the US the Fall of 93.See below for
reviews of that tour
2.3.2) Reviews of Previous Tours
2.3.2.1 The 25th Anniversary Tour - Seattle,'93
Mark Armantrout writes:
About a year ago, something called "Still Waiting for the Electrician"
was broadcast out West somewhere, I think Seattle. It contained all of
"Waiting for the Electrician ..." and loads of interviews with the
Firesign guys, interviewed by David Ossman, I think. The whole
broadcast was almost two hours long. Anyway, this tape was broadcast
for the second time ever here in B'ton last Sunday night (April 25,
1993) on WFHB, 6-8pm. And I taped it.:)
They talk all about how they met, how they wrote, what they were 'into'
at the time of Electrician, and about the Summer of Love and hippie
stuff in general. And there are a couple skits/announcements that I
haven't heard anywhere else. It's really fun to listen to, because the
interviews fit in real well with the album, and they integrate the two
well.
Reviews: New York Times, May 3 1993.
2.3.2.2 The 25th Anniversary Tour - Fall '93
There was a Reunion Tour of the FT in the Fall of 1993. This was
formally announced within the Newsgroup by the first official posting
by Peter Bergman, himself:
From: (Peter Bergman)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.firesign-theatre
Subject: New Firesign Tour Dates
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 21:32
HELLO, BOZOS. HERE ARE THE NEW DATES FOR THE FIRESIGN'S 25TH ANNIVERSAR
TOUR. DENVER, OCTOBER 28TH; CHICAGO, OCTOBER 30TH; AMHERST, NOVEMBER5TH
BOSTON, NOVEMBER 6TH; PHILDELPHIA, NOVEMBER 11TH; WASHINGTON, D.C.,
NOVEMBER 12TH; NEW YORK CITY, NOVEMBER 13TH; BERKELEY, NOVEMBER 20TH;
LOS ANGELES, NOVEMBER 21ST.
PUT DOWN THAT PICKLE AND SIGN IT MUDHEAD.
PETER BERGMAN
C/O ESTHER GRASSIAN
The general schedule consisted of:
Act I
Waiting for the Electrician ...
The Further Adventures of Nick Danger
How Can You Be In Two Places at Once ...
Act II
I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus
Don't Crush That Dwarf ...
Encore
Newspaper Reviews:
-----------------
NY Times review 11/16/93
Boston Herald Preview (11/2/93) and review (11/8/93)
Boston Globe Preview (11/3/93)
FAlaFal #23.
2.5) Where can I get F.T. (Videos, CD's ,etc...)
See the "intro" for currently in-print CD's, available
through Mobile Fidelity, and Mercury (Columbia). Here's
how to reach Mobile Fidelity:
Mobile Fidelity Sound Lab
105 Morris St.
Sebastopol, CA 95472
Toll Free 1-800-423-5759
e-mail: mofi@mofi.com
Internet resource center on WWW/Mosaic use URL:http://gnn.com/
There are numerous private and commercial newsletters and
video/CD sources for transcripts, CD's, latest news, etc:
--------------------------------------
Hot Flashes/SPARKS Media -- Newsletter
--------------------------------------
Michael Packer at West Michigan Public
Broadcasting, runs a e-mail mailing-list called "Hot Flashes" of
latest events, etc. He also maintains a large and growing archive
of FT and related audio, video, etc. works, Including Harry Shearer,
Ken Nordine, Stan Freberg, Goon Show, etc. His address is:
Michael Packer
PO Box 3540
Grand Rapids, MI 49501
Phone:(616) 363-8231 or (616) 771-6714.
Fax: (616) 771-6625
SPARKS Media
------------
P.O. Box 3540
Grand Rapids, MI 49501-3540
Available from SPARKS Media:
Running
Title Year Time (mins.) Price
An Autobozographical Evening w/ DO 1990 120 $17.95 ppd
Radioplay (DO, M. Packer) 1990 30 $14.95 ppd
Down Under Danger 1994 ?? ??
+ $4.00 s&h
Regarding this last entry, Michael Packer writes,
The new Nick Danger adventure "Down Under Danger" nears
completion and all should be ready for advance orders
beginning April 15. Look for reviews and updated
information in the next issue of FAlaFal.
----------------------
Harvard Square Records
----------------------
Harvard Square Records
PO Box 381975
Cambridge, MA 02238
Harvard Square Records is offering Rhino out-of-print FT material
on LP and cassette.
They have on LP @ $10:
Fighting Clowns
Nick Danger
Shakespeares Lost Comedie
and on cassette @ $6:
Fighting Clowns
Lawyer's Hospital
---------------------
Four-Alarm FIRESIGNal -- Newsletter & Archives
---------------------
Elayne Wechsler-Chaput produces a
tri-annual newsletter called "Four-Alarm FIRESIGNal" (or FAlaFal
for short), published in the "Firesign" months of April, August and
December.. The newsletter is free; the publisher does however welcome
SASEs and monetary donations.
There is an online Electronic form of FAlaFal at The Well. If you
have WWW software use the URL:
gopher://gopher.well.sf.ca.us/00/Publications/online_zines/falafal
Or else by gopher (of course) use the path:
Type=0
Path=0/Publications/online_zines/falafal
Port=70
Host=gopher.well.sf.ca.us
if you dont have gopher, just send the four lines listed as an
e-mail message to gopher@calvin.edu, and calvin will mail the
file back to you).
Back issues of FAlaFal will be archived at
ftp://clark.net/pub/moncomm/
Elayne is also said to have an extensive personal collection of FT
information, tapes, etc. Her address is:
Four-Alarm FIRESIGnal
c/o Elayne Wechsler-Chaput
1747 65th Street
Brooklyn NY 11204
This is Elayne's archive (stay tuned for availability; some
listings may no longer be available for duping):
Firesign Theatre Video Archives
The following material has been cleared by The Firesign Theatre to
duplicate for subscribers of Four-Alarm FIRESIGNal on a non-profit
basis. Please E-Mail back to me the portions of this list, or mail
it back to me with your new (unopened) blank VHS tape(s) and
sufficient money for return postage. Please let me know you want
me to tape 2-hour or 6-hour speed.
Approx. Run Time
Title (Featured Players) Year (mins.)
"All in the Family" episode excerpts (w/ PP) 1972-4 8
"Boggs at Noon" appearance (P&B) 1980? 7
Columbia Records ad (TFT) 1972 1
"Comedy Tonight" w/ Bill Boggs (PA, PB, PP) 1985 23
"Comics Only" w/ Paul Provenza (P&B) 1992? 7
"David Susskind Show" appearance (TFT) 1975 45
"Evening at the Improv" (TFT 1980 20
Gothamathon (Proctor & Bergman) 1976 45
Jack Poet VW commercials (TFT) 1968-9 10
Live at Santa Cruz (b&w) (TFT) 1975 62
"Match Game/H. Squares Hour" episode w/ PP 1983 35
"Midday with Bill Boggs" appearance (TFT) 1981 15
Santa Claus Lane parade (TFT) ?? 1/2
"The Six Shoes" (P,B&A) doing "Hey Reagan"
on "Folk Music Reunion" show 1980 5
Trailers for movies (w/ PP) 1976, '81 1-1/2
The following items are no longer available for duping, as The
Firesign Theatre plans to release quality copies of them shortly -
stay tuned to FAlaFal for details!
The Future Is Now (P&B) 1992 25
J-Men Forever (TFT featuring P&B) 1979 75 mins.
Love is Hard to Get (Bergman) 1973 26 mins.
The Madhouse of Dr. Fear (TFT) 1979 60 mins.
Martian Space Party (TFT, Campoon workers) 1972 27 mins.
Six Dreams (PB [exec. producer], PP) 1976-7 13 mins.
TV Or Not TV (Proctor & Bergman) 1978 33 mins.
--------------------------------------
MORE SUGAR (From the Firesign Theatre)
--------------------------------------
MORE SUGAR (c/o Duplicating Plus)
611 Empire Mill Road
Bloomington, IN 47401
1-800-934-1612
VIDEO:
Title Year Running Time Price
Everything You Know Is Wrong 1978 40 $19.95
AUDIO CASSETTE:
Title
Anything You Want To (Shakespeare's Lost Comedie) $8.50
Order either or both with $4.00 for Shipping and handling.
------------------------------------
Other Commercially-Available Videos:
------------------------------------
Elayne contributes the following list
(sources after the list).
Year/Run Company
Title (and featured players) Time Order #(s) Price
Eat or Be Eaten (A,B,P) 1985, 30 m. RCA/COL 0566V $19.95
RCA/COL 0566B $19.95
Hot Shorts (A,B,P) 1985, 73 m. RCA/COL 20435B $39.95
RCA/COL 60435V $39.95
PI-A 85144 LV (call)
Nick Danger... Missing Yolk 1983, 60 m. PAV 527 $19.95 +
(Austin, Proctor, Bergman) $4.25 s&h
Americathon (written by P&B) 1979, 88 m. WHV 302B $19.98
WHV 302V $19.98
Tunnelvision (featuring PP) 1976, 70 m. MPI 1529B $59.95
MPI 1529V $59.95
Zachariah (co-written by TFT) 1970, 92 m. FOXV 8023B $19.98
FOXV 8023V $19.98
Key: V = VHS format
B = Beta format
LV = Laserdisc Video
FOXV = Fox Video
P.O. Box 900
Beverly Hills, CA 90213
213/236-1336
MPI = MPI Home Video
15825 Rob Roy Drive
Oak Forest, IL 60452
800/322-0442 or 708/687-7881
PAV = Pacific Arts Video
11858 LaGrange Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90025
1-800-538-5856
PI-A = Pioneer Artists, Inc.
c/o LDC America
2265 East 220th Street
Long Beach, CA 90745
310/835-6177
RCA/COL = RCA/Columbia Pictures,
now Columbia/TriStar Home Video
340 Riverside Drive
Burbank, CA 91505
818/972-8193
WHV = Warner Home Video
4000 Warner Blvd.
Burbank, CA 91522
818/854-6000
2.6) Where are they now ?
The FT is currently active again, and is gearing up for their
'94 Summer Tour through the West Coast.
Peter Bergman and family are living in Santa Monica. He and
Philip Proctor and others are doing a new radio variety show called the
"Digital Diner" on KUSC-FM (91.5) monthly Thurs 7:30-9 p.m. in
the Los Angeles area (check your local public radio listings).
The show has an e-mail address digdiner@netcom.com.
Phil Proctor can currently be heard doing character voices on Nickelodeon
TV's *Rugrats*. He currently lives in Beverly Hills, CA.
Philip Austin has been living and acting in LA.He was featured on
"The Daily Feed" as Nick Danger.
David Ossman lives on Whidbey Island, Washington state, and does a radio show
(Ossman's Audiola) at KSER in Everett, Washington, a public radio station. He
and his wife produce radio plays, among other projects. He produced the
(excellent) 50th anniversary production of the War of the Worlds for NPR in
'88 and works with the Midwest Radio Theatre Workshop in Columbia Missouri
every spring.
See also the "Any Reunions?" question, and the "History" entry in the
Introduction.
2.7) Common FT Phrases
Here's a few common ones. See also the Lexicon!
Ah, Canadian!
And there's hamburger all over the highway in Mystic, Connecticut.
Back to the Shadows, Again!
Bear Whiz Beer: It's in the water! That's why it's yellow!
"But... this is a bag of SHIT!"/ "But it's really GREAT shit,
Mrs. Presky!"
Dear Friends!
Dr. Memory!
Decision-Making Factor, Absent from Brain!
Eat flaming death, fascist media pigs !
Everything you know is wrong!
Forward into the Past!
Happy Motoring on the Freeway, which is already in Progress!
Hey! Corn! Now we can make whiskey/tortillas!
He says he can shout; don't hear you!
It's just this little chromium switch here!
It's okay, they're speaking Chinese...
I think we're all bozos on this bus!
It's been snowing ever since the top of the page...
Loostners Castor Oil Flakes: The All-Weather Breakfast!
Mick! Me man't malk mere! (from "Nick Danger")
More Sugar!
Not Responsible! Park and Lock it!
No anchovies? You've got the wrong man.I spell my name...Danger!
Not to be torturing me!
Oh, hey, he's no fun, he fell right over!
Papoon for President! He's Not insane!
Raw! Raw! Raw!
Shadow Valley Condoms: If you lived here, you'd be home by now!
So c'mon, kids -- get on it, and do it every day!
So, How about that, Mr. Smarty-pants communist!
Mr. College Professor! Mr. Beatnik! Mr. Hippie!
Shoes for Industry!
They think he is insane, yet, he outranks them/
His Option: Command!
This is no movie, this is real!
Well, speak of that anon....and on and on anon!
Where there's smoke... There's WOOOORK!
Wow, that's faster than anyone's ever been gone before!
2.8) Who is Doctor Memory?
From "I think we're all bozos on this bus"; a computer doctor
running the Future Faire, who said things like:
"SYSTAT UPTIME 9:01 unhappy READ MAKNAM"
and "hmmm..."
Dr. Memory is based on an early "Eliza" type psychiatrist program
that ran on a PDP-10. The consensus of the alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre
newsgroup experts is that this program was written in (((((Lisp))))),
and compiled using the SAILON LISP compiler for the DECSystem10,
running TOPS-10 operating system. Tim Rentsch noted that one of these
systems was installed at Caltech, and that a former classmate of his
demonstrated the program for the FT .
There is much evidence that David Ossman attended Claremont McKenna College
(then "Claremont Men's College") in his younger days, at which there was one
of the first implementations of the Doctor.
Tim Brengle writes of the implementation:
"CMC is one of the Claremont Colleges, along with Harvey Mudd College,
Scripps College for Women, Pomona College, and Pitzer College. Five schools
taking up a total of about one square mile. The hot new shared computing
resource was a PDP-10 model KA-10 (with 256K bytes of *CORE* memory, and a
swapping drum) running Tops-10. This was the same type of machine upon which
Weisenbaum created the original DOCTOR program, one of whose scripts was
called "Eliza". The program, at least the version I hacked on, was written
in Stanford LISP 1.6--which did have a pretty awesome compiler..."
The evidence for these detailed descriptions of Dr. Memory are based
on the contents of Dr. Memory's commands and error statements:
For example, "SYSTAT" was a TOPS-10 command that gave the system
status, and "UPTIME" showed how long the system had been running.
In addition, the hero (P.) of the story identifies himself as "worker"
whenever he wanted to access the internals of the computerized fair; ("This
is Worker Speaking, Hello"). It is highly likely that David Ossman saw DOCTOR
on the Claremont PDP-10. The way that one started the program was to
activate the LISP environment and then execute the form:
(worker hello)
Up until executing that function, you had to enclose everything in () just as
one would expect from LISP. But the WORKER function changed the syntax
tables for the parser so that a double carriage-return delimited your
statements and told the DOCTOR that it was time to reply. But, there was a
bug in DOCTOR, forgetting to take into account that dots have special meaning
in LISP. Putting one in the wrong place confused the LISP function MAKNAM
("make name") which was trying to assemble characters into tokens. It
returned its error message to the top-level reading function (READ). It's
error message was, of course, "READ: UNHAPPY MAKNAM".
DOCTOR programs still abound---for example, the Emacs editor,
which is written in LISP, has a doctor function built into the
distribution. Here's a sample session (which sounds just about as
strange as Firesign Theatre's Dr. Memory:
I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems.
Each time you are finished talking, type RET twice.
> Hello, Dr. Memory.
How do you do? What brings you to see me?
> My name is Ken.
Why do you say your name is ken?
> Well, because it is.
Can you elaborate on that?
> My parents named me Ken.
Tell me something about your family.
> My father was a jelly doughnut.
You seem to dwell on your family.
> Hey, you asked.
Is it because of your plans that you say hey I asked?
....
Obviously, not a very bright program.
So, how about THAT?!...Mr. Smarty-pants college professor? (razzz!).
2.9) Is it "Back T0 the Shadows" or "..FROM the Shadows" ?
Dr. Memory says: Both (in this case); see the "Lyrics" section.
Arguments regarding Firesign trivia(eg. is it "Mousers" or "Mausers"?)
are often moot, as the shifting meanings and colorations of
Firesign Theatricum blend and expand like the colors of the rainbow.
To those who ask, "Did they actually say "X" or "Y", the
appropriate answer is, "YES !", or, perhaps, "Mu."
2.10) FT Questions posed to the Usenet Oracle
The Usenet Oracle has at varying times been confronted by questions
that we all know and love over here in alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre. It
it interesting to see how the all-ZOTing-one handles the questions.
For more info on how to experience the Oracle, look in the newsgroup
rec.humor.oracle (archives of Q&A available in /pub/oracle at
cs.indiana.edu)!
2.8.1) Put down that Pickle!
--- 562-10 ----------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: David Sewell
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Put down that Pickle!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sounds like you need some psychoanalysis. Since the oracle knows all
} your problems anyway, let's do a little one-sided free association.
}
} Finals? Boredom? That last little niggling irritation that finally
} put you over the edge? A life-long antipathy to brine and garlic? A
} slow-festering wound caused by a spiny American cucumber?
Pathological
} fear of cured vegetables? Dread regarding phallic substitutes of a
} threatening and, well, to be honest, humbling size? Passionate
dislike
} of green? Well-grounded fear of botulism or other spoilage? An ill-
} remembered childhood memory of a green plush-toy monkey that went
} berserk one night under your bed, that your parents *never* quite
} believed, even as they soothed you back to sleep? A bad experience
} with a green banana (or was it a plantain?), three tequila sunrises,
} and a cheap hotel room in Tijuana? (or was it Nogales?). The
} aftershocks of total sensory deprivation and/or hallucinogenic
} experimentation some 25 years ago? A sudden sour taste in your mouth
} as a result of guilt over some horrible deed you just committed? A
} frightened reaction to storks that sound like Groucho Marx -- or is
it
} the strange resemblance of that last infant you saw to a crunchy
vlasic
} dill? The successful repression of heterosexual desire symbolized by
} the Vlasic Stork (i.e. procreation) and its sublimation into sexual
} hostility and fantasy and then the frightened reaction to these
} returned fantasies?
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of Freud's "Jokes and their Relation to the
} Unconscious" and a jar of half-sours, preferably spicy ones.
------------------------------
2.8.2) Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
--- 529-09 ----------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Don't crush that dwarf! Hand me the pliers!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Goodman Feeblebrook, the 7th level Mage, removes the +5 Holy Pliers
} of St. Christopher from the protective box with awe and reverence.
} Wordlessly, he hands the artifact to Artemis Strongarm, the 9th level
} Ranger.
} "Hurry up!" shouts the Dwarf, Gimli Oakenleg, the party's 6th level
} Fighter/Thief. His voice is muffled, due to the fact that his head is
} currently being crushed between two rocks that are part of a
} pressure-plate trap the Dwarf had been attempting to disarm.
} "Okay," snaps Artemis. "I've never done this before, you know..."
} "Just clamp those things over the release nut and turn it counter-
} clockwise," the Dwarf returns. "And do it QUICKLY!"
} "Right." Artemis clamps the pliers down on the nut and pushes on
} the artifact with all of his 18(56) strength. Somewhere in the
} distance, the sound of a plastic dodecahedron can be heard. With a
} loud grunt, the Ranger successfully turns the screw through
} one-and-a-half rotations.
} "YOU DID IT!" exclaims Feeblebrook. "Boy Gimli, I'll bet you have
} a headache the size of-- uh oh." Feeblebrook's premature celebration
} is cut short by the sight that greets him when he turns to greet his
} Dwarven companion. "Oh, YUCK! I guess we should have remembered that
} clocks run the other way in the Dwarven Lands..."
} Artemis grimly examines the remains of the Fighter/Thief, then
} calmly turns to address the audience. "Is there a Cleric in the
} house?"
}
} You owe the Oracle 500 gold pieces and a Ring of Water Breathing.
2.8.3) How do I make my voice do this?
From Group #118
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How do I make my voice do this?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hmm... lets see... this is a tough one.
}
} Place your left hand against your throat, with your thumb
} against your right jugular vein and your fingers up around
} your left ear. Hold your nose between your right thumb and
} middle finger. Put your index finger against your forehead
} and your pinky finger between your front teeth. Purse your
} lips. Bend over and place your head between your knees, or as
} far down as you can reach (if you can reach, you are not doing
} it right). Curl your upper lip as if you smelled something
} bad. Anything you say in this position will come out like
} this.
}
} You owe the oracle a self-portrait, in this position.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
2.8.4) Why does the porridge bird lay his eggs in the air?
No answers to this one have (yet) made it to the Oracularities. Many
are called but few are chosen...
2.8.5) How can you be in two places at once (when you're not
anywhere
at all)?
No answers to this one have (yet) made it to the Oracle archives;
although we have the following related Q & A:
--- 544-05 -----------------------------------------------------------
> Yeah, Mr. Oracle? This is Thom Dewey, from Dewey Stickem & Howe?
> Yeah, yeah, that's us. Well, look, that dame? Her lawyer called
> back,and he said that the blood test matched and they're going to make
> a motion for a DNA sample. Yeah, I know, they can do that now. It's
> pretty accurate, Mr. Oracle. I can fight the motion, but I don't know
> if we'll win...are you SURE you were giving a speech in Missoula at the
> time? The prosecution is going to try and pull that
> omnipotent-beings-can-be-in-two-places-at-once stuff again, you know?
> This is almost as bad as that little Southern number last year. I
> know, I KNOW, I shouldn't have mentioned it. I'm sorry, Mr. Oracle.
> Look, all she wants in child support; if we pay her off, it won't go to
> court and Lisa will never know. Do you think we should cut a deal?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Thom, don't worry about it. I've looked into the matter, and, being an
} omnipotent being, have rectified the situation. The DNA from me won't
} match up. As a matter of fact, the only person whose DNA _will_ match
} up is her lawyer. Funny how that works. Bring that up at the next
} meeting.
}
} You owe the Oracle a judicial precedent for suing God, plus a way of
} collecting damages.
--- 544-09 ------------------------------------------------------------
> Yeah, Mr. Oracle? This is Thom Dewey, from Dewey Stickem & Howe?
> Yeah, yeah, that's us. Well, look, that dame? Her lawyer called back,
> and he said that the blood test matched and they're going to make a
> motion for a DNA sample. Yeah, I know, they can do that now. It's
> pretty accurate, Mr. Oracle. I can fight the motion, but I don't
know
> if we'll win...are you SURE you were giving a speech in Missoula at
the
> time? The prosecution is going to try and pull that
> omnipotent-beings-can-be-in-two-places-at-once stuff again, you know?
> This is almost as bad as that little Southern number last year. I
> know, I KNOW, I shouldn't have mentioned it. I'm sorry, Mr. Oracle.
> Look, all she wants in child support; if we pay her off, it won't go
to
> court and Lisa will never know. Do you think we should cut a deal?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle is a loving being, and it should be known to those who would
} criticize my actions that, even though I am omnipotent, I have needs.
}
} The Oracle is a responsible being, for I know the wisdom of the
} ancients says that responsibility for your actions is a part of being
} great.
}
} The Oracle is also a generous being, and is, in fact, wealthy enough
} to support numerous children without even noticing a difference in
} his bank books.
}
} The Oracle, is, however, not to be challenged by any mere mortal. Have
} my snipers drop her, and bring me the kid.
}
} You never got this letter, understand?
}
} The Oracle demands payment of one weeks' retainer fees. Now, go, and
} carry forth my orders.
2.8.5a) How can I be in two places at once?
Date: Wed, 01 Jun 94 07:52:53 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #652-09
Selected-By: Darkmage
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh mighty oracle, who is wise enough to be everywhere at once,
>
> How can I be in two places at once?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The problem of being in two places at once has plagued mankind since
} the dawn of last Monday. Many people have wondered "Why am I here?
} Why am I not there? Here is nice. Hmmm. There seems nice too. Let's
} go see. Oh, gee, now I'm here, which was there, but I'm not there (and
} there is where I'm not which was here before I was where I am). I
} wonder if I can be here and there at once. Maybe if I run... pant,
} pant, pant... :-P hey, I was just there and now I'm here again and
} I've lost there again. This is tough!" (Well, maybe not *that* many
} people have wondered this, but at least two have.)
}
} But now, finally, allow us to present:
}
} HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE
} ===============================
} A brief guide by T. U. Oracle
}
} The Solomon method: Get a sharp sword. Cut yourself in half. Send
} one half here and the other half here. Caveat: if cut
} sideways, you'll have to make sure that the upper half
} goes somewhere appropriate (say, a good dinner or movie)
} and the lower half does likewise (an orgy would do fine).
} If cut lengthwise, you may experience difficulties in
} spatial perception. In both cases you only have 12
} seconds or so to enjoy yourself before blood loss gets
} you.
}
} The Tachyon method: Become a subatomic particle. You can now be in
} two places at once. Caveat: if you look at your watch to
} find out the time, your wave function will collapse in
} space and make quite a mess.
}
} The wise-cracker method: Wear a mask and concealing clothes, and then
} you can be in one place and in cognito at the same time.
} Caveat: nobody knows where cognito is, presumably it is
} very near to communicado.
}
} The Deity method: Become the USENET Oracle, or some equivalent
} deity. You will be everywhere at once. Caveat: you'll
} have to answer lots of annoying questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as ky) Schroedinger's cat, dead or
} alive.
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